In my last post, I mentioned that one goal for better sex could be communicating your needs to your partner. Easier said than done, right? We live in a society that shies away from sex while projecting it everywhere in our media, that prefers euphemisms to medically accurate terminology and that provides very little, if any sex education. This makes it almost impossible to ask for what you want sexually. While a lot of it comes down to confronting the concerns that make communication difficult and practicing… for the rest of your life, there are tools available to help ease you through the process.
One of my favorite communication tools is the Yes/No/Maybe list. The idea is that you have a list of various sexual activities that you can choose and write into a column for Yes (this is something you definitely want to try or already know you’re into), Maybe (this might be something that piques your interest, but you’re hesitant to try or could be something you like under specific circumstance), and No (something you absolutely do not want to do right now or possibly ever). After you fill out the list, you can talk it out with a partner or swap lists and read them over. What’s great about this tool is that it not only helps you communicate with others, but with yourself as well. So many people aren’t even sure what they want to try sexually. This is a great starting point. It’s also easy to update or change especially if you have an electronic copy.
Once you become more familiar with the Yes/No/Maybe list, it’s easy to adapt it to your specific needs. Want to negotiate barrier use? Write in the types you want to use and when. Thinking non-monogamy might be your thing? You can write in the types of non-monogamous relationship styles that interest you or not. You can also turn the list into a game. Take the activities you and your partner have listed as a “yes” and use them to create a night of fun. There are a couple easy ways you can do this: 1. Close your eyes and point at the yes list, move your finger around and then drop it on the paper. Whatever activity you land on, you do. 2. Write out the yes activities on 3×5 cards and chose them at random out of a deck.
There are a ton of Yes/No/Maybe lists available online.Google it! I promise you won’t be disappointed. If you’re looking for something specific, or a little more user friendly, check out this list of lists from Self Serve Toys. Another option that I like is Mojo Upgrade. There you can login with a partner, fill out the yes/no/maybe list in quiz form, and then the app links you and your partners “yes” lists.