Tantus Bend Over Beginner Kit

Have you ever been curious about strap-on play, but have no clue where to start? There are a lot of choices when it comes to choosing a harness and dildo(s), and sometimes it can be difficult to gauge what will be the best fit at first. The Bend Over Beginner Kit by Tantus is the perfect introductory toy, as it is extremely easy to use and comes with everything you’ll need to begin bending your partner over!

The Bend Over Beginner comes with a velvet harness that is super comfortable, adjustable, and machine washable. The front pad of the harness sits in the perfect place both for comfortable angling in any position, and for the dildo to apply the perfect amount of pressure to the clitoris of the wearer during sex.  For added stimulation, there is a little pocket inside the harness that fits a bullet vibrator that also comes in the kit. The straps of the harness are extremely long, as to fit a myriad of body types. I recommend trying the harness on prior to using it so you have plenty of time to fit the straps to your body before getting down to business. For a smaller body, it might be helpful to trim the straps after measuring them so they don’t tangle or get in the way.

There are two silky smooth, 100% premium silicone dildos in the kit as well. Both dildos are relatively small in size; smaller dildo- 7/8” in diameter and 4 ½” in length, and larger dildo- 1 1/4”in diameter and 5 ½” in length. They’re perfect for safely exploring anal penetration, or for anyone who enjoys the feeling of a smaller toy. Although there are two O-rings that come with the Bend Over Beginner, they can be changed out with a larger ring if you decide you want to use a bigger dildo.

Each kit comes in either Purple Haze (a light, iridescent purple) or Black. I got Purple Haze, and was a little concerned about keeping the light colored harness looking clean. I was delightfully surprised to see how easy it cleaned up in my washing machine, and how well the material has held up from washing so far. Since the dildos are 100% silicone they can be sterilized in a dishwasher, with a 10% bleach solution (1 part bleach, 9 parts water), or (my favorite) by boiling them for 3-5 minutes. Remember: because the dildos are made of silicone, silicone based lubricants will degrade them over time. Therefore, you should stick to water-based lubricants with this product.

The Bend Over Beginner is the perfect toy for anyone of any gender looking to try strap-on play for the first time. If you have already experienced strap-on play or prefer larger dildos, Tantus also has the Bend Over Intermediate Kit; which is essentially the same kit, but with dildos that measure 1.25″ x 5.5″ and 1.5″ x 7″.  

Self Care

It’s been a rough few weeks, so I am dedicating as much of this weekend as possible to self-care! For me there are two sides to the self-care coin. The not fun, but necessary stuff, and the relaxing, fun activities we usually associate with self –care. To paint a clearer picture, it’s looking like: waking up at a reasonable time to walk my dog and complete important tasks before going to work, making sure I take all my medications at the right times, and remembering to eat smaller meals full of foods that are less likely to cause pain flare ups. It means spending time with people who make me smile, cuddling aforementioned dog, spacing out and watching tv, and breaking in this awesome new coloring book I bought from work. Isn’t it fantastic?

Self-care can look any way you need it to; taking care of important errands or tasks, spending time outside, turning off your phone for a few hours and tuning out, taking a bubble bath. But if you want to practice self care with a partner, one of the easiest way is to give or receive (or take turns in each role) a massage. Last year I was asked by the folks at Astroglide to give a massage tip for their blog. Of course, I brought up how to kink it up a notch. The entire article provides some really excellent ideas. Read the article below. Then go to the comments section and let me know what you think and what are some of your favorite self-care strategies and activities.

http://www.astroglide.com/blog/how-to-give-the-sexiest-massage/

Safer Oral Sex Tips (Penis Edition)

When I first started working as a sex educator, my primary focus was on prevention and public health. I worked in a lot of non-profits including a sexual assault prevention center and multiple reproductive healthcare/STI screening organizations. I loved doing that type of work and often consider going back to it, even though that arena isn’t exactly known for its sex positivity. For now, I will just continue geeking out about risk reduction and safer sex practices. One area in particular that I’d like to focus on today is using barriers for oral sex, specifically on penises (I’ll focus on vulvas in a separate post). So many folks opt out of using condoms for blow jobs before even considering them. Why? Well, there is a ton of stigma around STI’s, so we’re often not talking about them before clothes come off. We also know there is a little less risk involved with oral sex, and sometimes that message comes out sounding like there’s no risk at all, which is patently false. Finally, we don’t talk about pleasure when we talk about prevention. They usually sound mutually exclusive. But they don’t have to be. Here are 4 tips for making blow jobs with condoms more fun:

1.Flavored condoms and lube
This is probably the most obvious choice for the blow job giver- using something that tastes better than a regular condom. There are tons of flavored condoms on the market. I recommend trying different flavors and different brands because some of them taste a bit too sweet or too strong, while others might fit your preferences perfectly. Another option is using an unlubricated condom and purchasing a flavored lube that you enjoy. My favorite to recommend are all the flavors of the Sliquid Swirl line. These lubes are sweetened with Aspartame rather than sugar, so they are safer to use inside a vagina or anus. This is especially helpful if you’re planning to go straight from a blow job to vaginal or anal sex. With other lubes it would be more important to wash off in between. If the receiving partner is very sensitive, for example if they are prone to yeast infections or get irritated easily from certain lubes, you still might want to clean off and switch condoms before moving on to other penetrative forms of sex.

2.Water-based lube
Did you know that unless they are labeled otherwise, all condoms are packaged in silicone lubricant? It’s true! Silicone is super slippery and long lasting. It also has a much longer shelf life than water-based lubes. So it makes sense why condom companies use it. Latex condoms already have a particular smell and taste to them that are unpleasant to some, but silicone lube tends to amplify that effect. Enter, the water-based lube condom. Not many companies make them, but one is Microthin Aqua. Unfortunately, I have yet to find a non-latex condom with water-based lube so you’ll still have the latex taste, but it’s much easier to swallow (pun totally intended) than many traditional condoms.

3.Use lube inside the condom
This is my favorite trick! Sometimes in the condom directions (if you read that little pamphlet inside the box) you will see “put a drop of lube into the tip of the condom if desired.” This helps the wearer feel more stimulation. If you are planning to use the condom only for oral (and this is important because too much lube inside the condom will create slippage), add a little more lube than usual. This can help you create a makeshift masturbation sleeve that is also an effective barrier. You can move the condom up and down the shaft of the penis, making sure your mouth is always over the condom by keeping your hand closer to the base of the penis. Again, remember to switch the condom and wipe off that excess lube before moving to penetrative vaginal or anal sex, if that’s what’s in your plans.

4. Enthusiasm
Oftentimes when people are asked what’s sexiest about receiving oral sex from a partner, the response is ENTHUSIASM. Why? Most people want to know their partner is enjoying themselves during sexy times, sure. But enthusiastic oral sex generally looks sexier and feels better for the person receiving. If you’re not feeling it for any reason, don’t do it. Save it for another time when you really want to. Or if you are on the receiving end and can tell your partner isn’t into it, check in and stop until you’re both interested in trying again.

The Womanizer Pro40 Review

Let’s talk about toys! Well, one toy in particular. Recently I was gifted the new Womanizer Pro40. I am incredibly picky about my sex toys. I’ve been a sex educator since 2007 and have worked in adult retail since 2010. I know what goes into making a high quality, body safe toy. I also have really specific tastes in general when it comes to toys. This all makes receiving them from the company a mixed-bag type of experience. Fortunately, my experience with Womanizer products has been pretty positive overall.

You may have heard of the Womanizer Pro40’s predecessors The Womanizer W100 and The Womanizer Pro. Both featured a sucking sensation paired with low-powered, rumbly vibration around the clitoris. The body of the toys are made of a hard plastic, with removable silicone heads* that are easy to clean and are sanitizable**. Each toy is USB rechargeable. I was also gifted the W100 when it first came out (I know, my life is rough) and was incredibly weary of its gaudy appearance and disappointing name. However, I was actually really surprised to find it was both innovative and effective, feeling like no other toy I’ve ever encountered before.

What I love about the Pro40 is that it’s much more ergonomically shaped for different bodies and abilities. All of the Womanizer products are lightweight, but most of them have a more bulbous shaped body that can be tough to grip onto if you have carpel tunnel or other joint pain in the hands and wrists. The buttons are much more user-friendly than in previous models. Unlike the W100 with its one giant gem of a button, and the Pro with its excessive, pointy Swarovski crystal button, the interface on the Pro40 is much more user friendly. The buttons are softer and more responsive. They are  also clearly labeled. The Pro40 has 8 speeds and 2 hours of battery life after a full charge.

It is my understanding that the Pro40 is the beta version of a new Womanizer product that will be hitting the market soon. It functions well and, in my opinion is Womanizer’s best product yet. Since it will be replaced and discontinued soon, I highly recommend you get it while it’s cheap (for Womanizer, anyway) at just $99 through most retailers.

* There are two different sized heads, for different sized clits.

**To sanitize silicone toys you have three options:

1. Boil for 3-5 minutes
2. Put them through the dishwasher on “sanitize” mode. Top rack only and no soap.
3. Make a bleach solution (1 part bleach, 9 parts water) and wipe the silicone toy with it.

Yes/No/Maybe Lists

In my last post, I mentioned that one goal for better sex could be communicating your needs to your partner. Easier said than done, right? We live in a society that shies away from sex while projecting it everywhere in our media, that prefers euphemisms to medically accurate terminology and that provides very little, if any sex education. This makes it almost impossible to ask for what you want sexually. While a lot of it comes down to confronting the concerns that make communication difficult and practicing… for the rest of your life, there are tools available to help ease you through the process.

One of my favorite communication tools is the Yes/No/Maybe list. The idea is that you have a list of various sexual activities that you can choose and write into a column for Yes (this is something you definitely want to try or already know you’re into), Maybe (this might be something that piques your interest, but you’re hesitant to try or could be something you like under specific circumstance), and No (something you absolutely do not want to do right now or possibly ever). After you fill out the list, you can talk it out with a partner or swap lists and read them over. What’s great about this tool is that it not only helps you communicate with others, but with yourself as well. So many people aren’t even sure what they want to try sexually. This is a great starting point. It’s also easy to update or change especially if you have an electronic copy.

Once you become more familiar with the Yes/No/Maybe list, it’s easy to adapt it to your specific needs. Want to negotiate barrier use? Write in the types you want to use and when. Thinking non-monogamy might be your thing? You can write in the types of non-monogamous relationship styles that interest you or not. You can also turn the list into a game. Take the activities you and your partner have listed as a “yes” and use them to create a night of fun. There are a couple easy ways you can do this: 1. Close your eyes and point at the yes list, move your finger around and then drop it on the paper. Whatever activity you land on, you do. 2. Write out the yes activities on 3×5 cards and chose them at random out of a deck.

There are a ton of Yes/No/Maybe lists available online.Google it! I promise you won’t be disappointed. If you’re looking for something specific, or a little more user friendly, check out this list of lists from Self Serve Toys. Another option that I like is Mojo Upgrade. There you can login with a partner, fill out the yes/no/maybe list in quiz form, and then the app links you and your partners “yes” lists.

Thoughts on Sex Toys, Aging, and Disability

Some of you might know that I’m currently enrolled in a Master’s degree program for Human Sexuality Education. If you didn’t know…

I am currently enrolled in a Master’s degree program for Human Sexuality Education!

It’s been a fantastic step for my career, it’s helped create invaluable connections with fellow educators and given me the opportunity to improve my teaching skills. On top of that, I get to take some really cool classes you can’t find anywhere else!
This summer I am taking a class on Sex and Aging, and it has given me so much to think about. Specifically, how age affects the ways in which we have sex, how we see ourselves as sexual beings, and how we see the sexuality of others. I was recently in my first weekend of class, and we did an activity that became more emotional for me than I could have possibly imagined. We were asked to use different materials to limit ourselves in the ways that older adults are often limited.

We put ear plugs in our ears so we couldn’t hear. We wrapped our joints with ace bandages to decrease mobility. We put dry beans in our shoes to make walking difficult and painful. We put on gloves, with popsicle sticks in their fingers and cotton balls on their tips, to limit movement and sensation. We put on strong glasses (or in my case, took them off) to impair sight.

At first, it was kind of entertaining to see each other with all of these devices on, but then it got interesting. We were asked to walk around and do daily tasks such as walking up and down stairs, using the restroom, laying down and getting back up, reading newspapers, using our phones, etc. As someone with invisible disabilities, the added difficulty really hit home.

There was one station that I left for last because I wanted to spend time with it; the table covered in sex toys. I work in a sex toy store by day, so I have a lot of time to think about what types of toys can best serve different types of people for different types of activities. I think a lot about ways toys can be used outside of their marketed uses. So I wanted to take this opportunity to really engage with toys in ways I hadn’t been able to before. I walked up to the table (slowly!), and picked up a hard plastic, pink, slimline-style vibrator. This may in fact be the most common type of toy I see purchased by people who are new to toys (it makes sense because of their versatility and low price point).

I twisted the base to turn on the toy with minimal problems, but it was when I tried to open the toy that things got complicated. I stood there for several minutes just trying to grip the toy firmly enough to loosen it, but to no avail. It was at that moment, one of my two professors, the brilliant Dr. Melanie Davis, came up behind me and said, “Try putting the little watch batteries into that bullet.”

I’m sure you can already imagine what that was like.

I couldn’t even hold on to the batteries long enough to get them close to the toy, let alone inside it. I felt defeated and downright disempowered. I felt guilty knowing that some of my customers and clients have left with one of these toys, and probably had similar difficulties rendering their brand new toy useless.

This activity has given me so much to think about. Now I feel driven to find toys that are more accessible, and alternative ways of using toys to make them more adaptable for aging populations and people with other disabilities. Expect a follow up post soon with my findings. This is far from over!

Sexy Summer Reading List 2015

Yesterday was the first day of summer! You know what that means—It’s time to put on your sex geek t-shirt and get ready for some sexy summer reading! As a graduate student, I am excited to finally have time again to read texts that haven’t been assigned to me. Unfortunately, time is still limited, so as you’ll see, my personal list for the summer is quite short. To make up the difference, I am supplementing my list with some of my all time favorite books for folks who are new to exploring their sexuality. I’ve added some blogs as well! Enjoy!

What I’m reading this summer
My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory by Cooper S. Beckett
Cooper Beckett loves to talk about himself, but it’s ok because he’s just so good at it! It’s one thing to vaguely point out that you’ve made mistakes along the way, but Cooper truly walks the talk. What I’ve always appreciated about him is the fact that he’s not afraid to name each of his mistakes through non-monogamy so that others can learn from them.

I asked Cooper what he wants us all to know about My Life on the Swingset, and he said:
“My Life on the Swingset is a book that doesn’t hide behind the benefit of hindsight. The book was written as things happened, and thus tackles surprising things like divorce and major errors in judgment. It also showcases the unexpected highs of swinging and poly, from discovering the joys of the prostate orgasm, to learning how to navigate sex parties and sexy vacations.”

*Note: the audiobook comes out on 6/30, in case you’d like to turn part of your summer reading list into a summer listening list! I’m so excited to read (and maybe also listen to) this book!

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, PhD
There’s a lot of confusion about women’s sexuality, and one of the biggest myths is that there can be a quick fix to female desire issues in the form of a pill; a “Female Viagra” as many are calling it. Come As You Are delves deep into the science of women’s sexuality to provide insight on how we can tackle the real issues around female sexual dissatisfaction and difficulties with arousal.

Although this isn’t a topic I generally focus on, it’s something that I’m asked about quite frequently, so I’m happy to be gaining wealth of knowledge through this book. I also have a feeling this book will become a staple of my book resource list that I recommend on a regular basis for years to come.

Best Sex Writing of the Year Edited by Jon Pressick
The truth about sex writing is that there’s a lot of good stuff out there, but sometimes it takes some weeding through the bad stuff to get there. This anthology takes the guess work out, and provides an inclusive resource of some of the best sex writing on topics such as: porn, sexual assault, BDSM, disability, aging, STI stigma, and sex work.

When asked about this book, editor, Jon Pressick, said that Best Sex Writing of the Year is “an invitation to all readers to explore the wide world of sex, sexuality and gender. We are in desperate need of more conversation about sex, more discussion to change the parts of our society that need fixing and celebrate the great advances we have already made in the conversation of sex.”

I can already tell that Best Sex Writing is a thought-provoking, beacon of permission and conversation starter in a variety of sexual topics. I look forward to discussing what I read in this book with my friends, colleagues, and fellow Sex Geeks.

Book Recommendations
Girl Sex 101 by Allison Moon (and several amazing guest authors)
This book is for women-identified people and all who love them! If you’re interested in Girl Sex, but don’t know where to start, this book will guide you with illustrated education, a story, and sections by guest experts of all walks of life. Read more about Girl Sex 101 HERE

Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams
Maybe you’ve been playing with kink in your bedroom and are ready to take it elsewhere, or maybe you read Fifty Shades of Grey and are ready to jump right in! Either way, Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams’ book, Playing Well with Others will provide a strong foundation for your new foray into your local kink scene! This book provides in depth information on what public kink venues are available and the etiquette of getting involved and playing in these spaces.

Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More by Janet Mock
This is one of my favorites for anyone wanting to learn about gender diversity. As transgender narratives become more visible in our media, it’s vital that we understand the realities that transgender and gender non-conforming individuals face. Janet’s story shows much of what the media leaves out; what life is like as a person of intersecting marginalized identities. While it is a powerful story of living and thriving with unapologetic authenticity, it is also educational in that it provides basic information about gender, as well as accessible language for discussing trans issues.

More than two by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux
There are a lot of guides on nonmonogamy out there, but this book is specific to polyamory. Authors Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux provide the tools and skills needed to communicate and negotiate needs and agreements, tackle common pitfalls such as insecurity and jealousy, and give a comprehensive look at what ethical polyamory can be. The More Than Two website is also full of information and resources. I highly recommend checking it out!

Bondassage by Jaeleen Bennis and Eve Minax
There are plenty of ways to play with kink, but one of the most versatile is sensation play. You can use a variety of toys to cause pleasure, pain, tickles, hot and cold temperatures, and more. Bondassage is the ultimate guide to getting started with sensation play, and is my favorite book to promote in my workshop, Sensation Play: The Art of the Tease! Co-author, Jaeleen Bennis says that this book helps readers “learn some easy, practical ways that they can spice up their play time and connect more deeply.”

The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage by Midori
I recently had the benefit of listening in on one of Midori’s famous bondage workshops while working at The Pleasure Chest LA, and while this wasn’t my first time learning from her in person, this particular experience was a good reminder of all that rope bondage can be. Midori understands that rope doesn’t need to be overly complicated or serious to be hot, and actually, it can be downright silly and fun! This book includes that same wisdom, practical knowledge and accessibility, along with beautiful photos that help guide you through the steps to tying your partner up in all kinds of safer, sexy ways.

Blog Recommendations

Redhead Bedhead
JoEllen Notte’s mission is to save the world from mediocre sex, and she does that by providing some of THE BEST information on sexual health and pleasure, casual sex, online dating for introverts, superhero sex toy stores, and sex and depression. You’ll quickly see why many refer to her as a Sex Ed Superhero!

Sunny Megatron
What I love about Sunny is that, like me, she talks about alternative sexuality in ways that are welcoming and accessible, making the topic less scary for people who are new. At the same time, I love that she goes several steps further, so once you’re past her posts on sex toys and swinging, you can move on to the ins and outs of edge play. If I had to come up with a catchy tagline for this website, it would be: “Come for the world class blowjobs, stay for the fucksaw!”

The Frisky Fairy
Rebecca Hiles, aka The Frisky Fairy, writes about polyamory, sex toys, sex and cancer, and other sexuality topics with wit and candor. Her insight and personal perspective on alternative sexuality often comes out of stories from her daily life; making her a relatable voice in topics often considered taboo.

Perverted Negress
Following the Fifty Shades craze, a lot of folks are interested in BDSM from the “s” (submissive/slave/bottom) side, and Mollena Williams says it best- being a sub does not mean being a doormat. If you are looking to learn about BDSM and how to be a strong, independent sub, this is the site for you!

Ask Orpheus Black
Orpheus provides a point of view on D/s and kink from the D (Dominant) side. His posts always challenge my worldview, and especially my ideas on what D/s relationships can aspire to be. If Dominance and/or submission are of interest to you, this blog is a great place to gain new perspective.

Hey Epiphora
This is your destination for some of the best sex toy reviews on the internet. Epiphora is honest, thorough, and always on point. She has hundreds of reviews posted with new ones coming out all the time. Chances are likely that a quick search on her site will provide you with all the information you could want on the toys you’ve been curious about!

An Abbreviated Beginner’s Guide to Fifty Shades Sex

It’s no secret that the recent Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon has sparked a lot of interest in BDSM. The first question everyone asks is, “how do I get into this stuff?” quickly followed up by, “how can I do this stuff safely?” So I came up with 5 steps for getting started in the wonderful world of BDSM:

1. Get clear about your desires!
So, you want to get into BDSM. That’s awesome! You’ve already taken a huge step towards making your fantasies real by recognizing that this is something you’d like to explore! I’m not saying you need to know everything you’ll ever be into before you start. Actually, a lot of people notice that their desires change a little bit once they’ve been in this lifestyle for some time. What I’m saying is that it’s important to have some ideas of what you want to try or do, and a baseline expectation of what you would like your relationships and/or play to look like.

Some questions you can ask yourself include:
• What types of play do I want to engage in?
• What do I hope to gain from my experiences in BDSM?
• What is my ideal relationship structure in relation to my kink?

o Do you want a monogamous partner to explore with, a variety of people to play in various ways with?
o Do you want to be in an ongoing Dominant/submissive (D/s) or Master/slave (M/s) dynamic, or just play with kink sometimes?

• What are the baseline expectations I have for my partner(s) and myself?
• What are my boundaries or “hard limits?”
• What do I need for aftercare after a scene?

If you’re not sure of what you want to try, or want some ideas to think about, consider using a yes/no/maybe list. There are plenty of them online, but this one is my favorite because it comes with detailed instructions and is extensive and editable.

2. Get educated!
Once you’re clear about what you want to explore, it’s time to educate yourself on how to engage in those practices in ways that reduce the risk of harm to you or your partner. There is a wealth of information out there on BDSM best practices. There are books, websites, and forums for those who like to self-teach, practice, and/or play at home*. If you prefer in-person support and education, there are workshops in a variety of settings such as sex toy stores, community centers, dungeons, and other kink events.

Continue educating yourself as long as you engage in kink. Whether it’s to learn new skill sets or just to get a refresher on old material, you will be a much better player when you continually learn new techniques and ideas.

3. Communicate!
I placed this one in the middle of the list, but really, communication should be sprinkled throughout all of the other steps as well. This may in fact be the most important step of them all.

You know what you want to do, now tell your partner all about it! I recommend bringing up your desires in a non-sexualized setting. It’s hard to remember everything you want to say when you’re focused on… other things. So it’s usually easier to start the conversation in a non-sexualized setting, such as over lunch or when you’re just relaxing at home. I DO NOT recommend bringing up your new interests in a moving car that your partner is driving, especially if they are really not expecting you to suggest something like this. Communication doesn’t have to be dry or clinical sounding. Make it playful! Ask in a way that isn’t pressuring or anxiety-causing. A question such as “what if we tried ______?” will generally do the trick! Use your yes/no/maybe list as a communication tool! Show your partner what you’ve checked off or both of you fill one out and compare notes.

Communication shouldn’t stop there! Start all of your scenes by talking about the types of play you want to engage in, toys you want to use, and asking how you’re partner is feeling that day. Once you’re in the throes of play, check in with your partner throughout your scene. If you’re the top, ask your partner how they’re doing, if they need you to stop or slow down, or if they want you to go harder. If you’re the bottom, don’t be afraid to use your safe word(s)! You are in control of the scene and what is happening to you at all times.

4. Practice, practice, practice!

BDSM and kink are comprised of a lot of different activities that require particular skill sets. Like any skill, you need to take the time to practice and get comfortable so you can execute it safely. Like any skill remember that practice doesn’t make perfect; practice makes permanent. So make sure you are checking in that you’re practicing your kink correctly, so you commit the right movements or information to memory.

If you’re interested in more physical types of play like spanking, rope bondage, or sensation play make sure to practice on inanimate objects before trying on a real person! For impact especially, I recommend using a pillow. Take an old pillowcase and draw an “X” on it, then aim for the center of the “X” when you swing. The pillow will hold indentations where the toy hit it. That way you can see how precise your aim is. Bonus: It’s also a good idea to try bottoming so you know how it feels to be on the other side.

5. Find your tribe!
I know what you’re thinking when you first read this one, but don’t worry, I’m not saying you need to play publically or shout that you’re kinky from the rooftops. However, it can be a bit difficult to be going through a big, exciting, personal journey when you don’t have someone you can freely talk to about it without judgment. It can be vitally important to have support when you set out on your journey into BDSM, and often, the best support comes in the form of people who understand what you’re going through.

If you are up for meeting people in real life, most local kink communities hold events called “munches.” These are meet ups at coffee shops, bars, restaurants or other public vanilla spaces, and are designed for non-kinky socialization time. Because these are such great events for newbies, you’ll often find that you’re not the only new person there.

If you’re not there yet, or never plan to be involved in the public scene**, there are online communities like Fetlife.com where you can connect with other kinky folks all over the world. Looking for information and advice on a particular topic? Chances are likely you’ll be able to find plenty of threads of people discussing your kinks. Like any forum, the quality of information may vary. Remember to do your research, and if something just doesn’t sound right, it’s probably the best to keep searching for better information.

For more information, sign up for my email list!
*Check out a short list of some of the best BDSM resources HERE
**It is more than ok to only want to play privately and not be a part of the public scene. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

Joyboxx Review

Let’s be honest, it’s pretty easy to store sex toys. There are a lot of sex toy storage bags and containers on the market. If you’re clever, the DIY options are limitless. So if I’m going to purchase something designed specifically for sex toys, it’d better have it all! Before I choose a container to store my toys, I ask myself three things: 1. Does it keep my toys clean? 2 .Does it keep my toys safe from damage? and 3. Is it discreet? The Joyboxx by Passionate Playground meets these criteria, and goes beyond to be what I consider an outstanding toy storage system. The Joyboxx is made of non-porous, food-grade polypropylene which is blended with an antimicrobial agent during manufacturing, so it won’t come off with use or cleaning. It’s easy to clean with soap and hot water, or for an extra deep clean, you can put the Joyboxx in your dishwasher (top rack only). I actually did a dishwasher load of my Joyboxx and silicone toys together, and it was really convenient to have everything clean and ready to use at once.* With external dimensions: 12.60″(L) x 5.5″ (D) x 5.0″ (H) internal dimensions: 11.25″ (L) x 5.5″ (D) x 3.5″ (H), the Joyboxx is small, but capable of holding a variety of toys. It’s the perfect size to hold a small toy collection, to travel with, or take with you to a play party. I will admit, however, that I do hope that Passionate Playground comes out with additional larger boxes in the future, for variety is the spice of life, and I’d like to see this storage system capable of holding larger toys like the Magic Wand and kink gear.

I was able to fit a good variety of toys into the Joyboxx.

The Joyboxx is very unassuming. When I first saw it, I thought it looked a lot like the boxes I store my make-up and jewelry in. If you have nosey children, roommates, parents, or friends, this box could easily be hidden in plain sight amongst your other regular storage boxes. At the front of the box, there is a sliding bar that keeps the box closed when it’s positioned at the left. To keep your toys extra secure, the Joyboxx comes with a lock that can be inserted in a small hole to the right of the closed slider bar. Small, hidden ventilation holes surround the entire opening of the Joyboxx to inhibit the growth of bacteria on toys, making it a hygienic storage system. At the back of the box is a dual purpose charging and ventilation hole that allows for toys to charge while they’re locked up! There’s no longer a reason to worry that your rechargeable toys will be “found” during their charge time (which can range anywhere from 90minutes to 16 hours… I’m looking at you Fun Factory Stronics!).

The top compartment of my Joyboxx held my Ride lube packets, Sir Richards Condoms, and bullet vibe perfectly!

At the top of the box is a convenient compartment that is the perfect size for small lube bottles or packets, safer sex supplies, and smaller toys such as bullet-style vibrators. This compartment is easily accessible in a pinch, so you don’t have to stop everything just to grab your condoms and lube. Think of it like a pop-up side table drawer that’s always there for you in your times of need.

Photo Credit: http://www.lovepharmacy.com.au/brands/passionate-playground/joyboxx-playtray-black

My favorite feature of the Joyboxx, by far, is the Playtray; which functions both as a toy “coaster” and a washing/drying rack. The Playtray is great for keeping your toy safe and clean right after playtime. Let’s be honest, right after sexy time, no one wants to get up immediately to clean and store their toys. There are much more important things to do, like cuddle, or sleep, or have more sex! Inside the Joyboxx is a slot that holds the Playtray at the bottom, and keeps it in an upright position; perfect for keeping your toys separate and organized! Note: while it is not important to separate 100% silicone, glass, or stainless steel toys while in storage, it can make the difference between life or death for anything made of jelly rubber. I know, the Joyboxx sounds like the perfect toy storage system, but there is a downside. The Joyboxx does not have a handle, which can be a bit limiting in terms of how portable it is. I had the opportunity to speak with Deborah Semer, the lovely owner of Passionate Playground and creator of Joyboxx about this and she pointed a trick for carrying it. The area at the front of the box where the slider-lock is located can function like a handle. I tried to hold the box this way both when the box was empty and when it was fully loaded. I found that it worked for me when the box wasn’t weighted down with a lot of toys. When the box was full, my joint problems prevented me from gripping as firmly as I needed to. Personally, I think I was only able to grip onto the box this way because I have itty bitty hands. I could see this being more difficult for someone with more average-adult-sized hands and fingers.

This is what it looks like when you use the slider lock as a handle.
Photo credit: http://simplenewz.com/2014-12-30/Mainstream/feed/393

All in all, the Joyboxx is a great choice for someone who is looking for a safe, clean, discreet way to store their toys at home or for travel. It’s as easy to clean and care for as it is to use. I’m looking forward to seeing what Passionate Playground does next, and I believe that the Joyboxx will only continue to improve. You can get your own Joyboxx HERE, and use coupon code 6AR9SE for $5.00 off! *DO NOT use dishwashing soap when cleaning silicone toys in the top rack of your dishwasher. As per FTC guidelines, the Joyboxx was provided to me free of charge in exchange for an unbiased review.

Here I am showing off the Joyboxx after presenting at the Sexual Health Expo in LA.

My Favorite Takeaways from Is There A Secret Handshake?- Navigating Alternative Lifestyles

In March, I was fortunate enough to be a part of a panel at CatalystCon East with my friends and colleagues Rebecca Hiles, Dirty Lola, and Dylan Thomas called Is There A Secret Handshake?- Navigating Alternative Lifestyles. To get a good idea of what we set out to do, here’s our session description:

I had to introduce myself in the dark, which you can hear in the recording.
“When we said we were the sexiest panel to ever sexy, I don’t think this is what we meant” -Rebecca Hiles

“Many people are drawn to alternative lifestyles such as BDSM, polyamory, and swinging, because they are seeking to explore a different side of themselves. As part of the learning process, people often feel that it is important to find a community to help educate them on their new lifestyle journey. For some, seeking out a community for education and camaraderie can be the most difficult part of the journey. At times, it may feel as though you have joined a club, but never learned the secret handshake.

In this session, we will share ways to find your place within the alternative community that meshes with your needs and desire. This panel will cover topics ranging from appropriate lifestyle etiquette and finding a community, to negotiation and safety!”
All the work I do is focused around alternative sexualities and their corresponding communities, and I hear people’s questions and concerns about getting involved in a new communities all the time. So it was wonderful to have a little over an hour to dispel myths and give practical advice on getting involved in various communities. We got through a ton of information, which was recorded for your listening pleasure, but if you’re looking for a tl;dr version, here were my four favorite takeaways:

1. Showing up and watching is a form of active participation

This was one of my little nuggets of advice, and one that I feel very strongly about. There are a lot of ideas floating around in the ether about voyeurism in alternative sexuality spaces, and many of them are pretty negative.

I’ve heard that people who just hang around and watch are “creepers,” or that if you show up somewhere with no intention to play that there must be something wrong. Seriously! I’ve been asked before why I’m in a space and “not doing anything.” Well guess what? Watching IS doing something! It IS active participation, and honestly, it’s one of the best ways to learn about yourself and what turns you on, about types of play you never knew existed, and about the more visually obvious skill sets necessary to do that type of play in safe, fun, and sexy ways.

I actually often recommend to my clients that they watch the first time they show up at a new party. This gives them the space to take in the environment and decide if it’s somewhere they feel comfortable engaging in different ways. It also gives them the chance to connect with other community members and make friends.

2. Saying “I don’t know” or “hey, I’m new” is a perfectly valid way to get involved

When you’re just starting out in an alternative sex community, you probably won’t know a lot of that community’s associated lingo or skill sets. I spoke to a friend recently who told me that when she started out in the kink community, one of her biggest fears was that everyone was going find out that she didn’t know what she was doing and that they’d think she didn’t belong.. She worried people would think she was a fraud or a wannabe (and this was long before 50 shades got kinksters up in arms over who is “really” kinky).

While there is some variance depending on the community you’re interested in joining and the area you live in, most communities realize that it behooves them to help newbies get acquainted. When people are up to speed on etiquette, safety techniques, and other skills relevant to the space, everyone is happier, safer, and less likely to get the venue or the community at large in trouble; whether that means losing the space, or gaining negative press.

When you speak up and say “I’m new” or “I don’t know about ______” and show that you’re genuinely interested in learning, there will be someone either willing to show you the way, or willing to point you in the direction of resources, workshops, or local community guides and mentors.
3. “If you build it, they will come”

I loved when Rebecca said this. We all need a space where we feel like we belong, and sometimes the groups available in one area just aren’t a good fit. So what can be done? Create the community you want to be a part of!

It can be as easy as making a facebook or fetlife group. You can broaden the topic or region of focus, and keep it an online community, or narrow the scope and post events in your town or city. What’s great about these websites is that they are free and easily searchable. If you enjoy in-person events, consider making a group on meetup.com. There is a monthly fee to run a group, but membership fees can keep the price low for everyone and will weed out the folks who are less interested in engaging with and contributing to the group.

That’s why we have the power to create the groups and spaces we want to see! I took a position as a Sex Geekdom emissary because I loved the idea, but we didn’t have anything like it in Philly at the time. I know someone else who is very introverted, but who wanted to make friends when she moved to a new state. So she started an introvert munch for herself and other introverted kinky folks. It sounds excellent, and if I had less on my plate, I’d probably start one too*.

4. Go where you’re celebrated

One of the audience members asked about the prevalence of sizeism, ageism, and other isms in sexually based communities that may deter people who do not fit the status quo. She was concerned that some communities may have more problems in this regard than others, and wondered what you can do when who you are is somehow off-putting to people in the community.

The truth is, we don’t live in a vacuum. We have all been impacted by society’s ideals. We are all bombarded every day with messages about who and what is attractive and what isn’t. So while it may feel like everyone in alternative communities is more enlightened and has spent more time examining mainstream ideals of beauty because they too have felt marginalized by the mainstream, that’s just not always the case.

Unfortunately there are still places where bigger bodies or older bodies aren’t treated as kindly, where people of color aren’t actively welcomed, or where you might be harassed or asked to leave because your intersecting queer identity and corresponding behaviors aren’t accepted. So save your time and money and only use them to support the spaces where your style, your size, your gender, your age, your body and your desires will be celebrated when you walk through the door.

We are planning to submit this panel again for CatalystCon West, which will be held in Burbank, CA in September. So if you felt like there was something we missed, and think we should add it for next time, please leave it in the comments below or email me at andrea@andrearenae.net.

*Hint hint Los Angeles introverts… get this thing going!